I just deleted an entire blog post…on purpose.
I feel like this “Jesus Blogger” series will be my undoing. Why?
Because I am forced to be either a) lie and say I have it all figured out or b) tell you what I’ve discovered from my past experiences and what I’m learning currently.
There are three types of bloggers:
- The ones that have gone through something, and live to tell about it.
- The ones who are going through something, and are sorting through it.
- The ones who blog with good intentions, but have had neither.
The blog post I deleted falls into the last category.
So, let me tell you a story I do have much experience with and am currently learning.
I used to…
Get up, drink my coffee, and ignore everything in order to write/blog/get on Facebook.
I found everything in my house crashing down around me.
I got up, drank my coffee, and did everything else and ignore blogging/writing/getting on Facebook.
Everyone else was happy, but I was not.
I try to maintain some semblance of balance between doing what I need to do and what I want to do.
Depending on the day, my life hangs precariously in the balance between chaos and order.
It’s a work in progress.
This #JesusBlogger series is a 31-day challenge to write everyday. Everyday is asking a lot. It has highlighted some major problem areas in my life. Rather than give up my writing altogether (which I’ve already done) or give in to ignoring my other responsibilities (which I’ve already done), I am forced to find something that works.
And by works, I mean sustainable.
My children are very important to me. I’ve spent ten years revamping my selfish behavior. Ten years and six children later, I still do not have it all figured out.
But this is what I’ve learned is important:
- Scheduling (Managers of Their Homes)
- Being present (Hands-Free Mama)
- God first, family second, ministry (aka blogging) third (Heavenly Man)
With that in mind, the first week of this series I spent blogging between 11pm-2am. I chide you not! And I was a zombie! Surviving on coffee and sheer willpower.
That’s not sustainable.
For the second week of this series, I didn’t stay up late, but rather blogged when my husband came home or after homeschool.
But then, it was hit or miss – maybe my blog would get written…maybe not.
Yesterday, I was so tired after working out that I couldn’t muster up the strength to have my scheduled “alone time” with my husband or write a blog. I passed out at 9pm. For anyone that knows me, that is WAY early. (For more about scheduling sex, you should check out my ebook, “Thriving the First Days of Becoming Mommy.“)
When, I woke up at 3am to nurse the baby, I thought…”I still need to write my Day 11!” It was a fleeting thought before I fell back asleep.
This morning I woke up angry. Angry because I had a goal and I missed it!
I went into survival mode. Must blog. Must blog. Must blog. Move. Get my coffee. What? Why is the baby awake again!? Nurse her. Get the kids food. Hurry back upstairs. Must blog. Must blog. Must blog.
But as I was writing a post on the “Beatitudes” something tugged at my heart.
“What about me?” a voice whispered.
It didn’t matter that I have an email alert set up on my Google calendar to ensure I have some daily alone time with God. It didn’t matter that I usually do my quiet time before blogging as a practice.
Finally, I relented.
I got off the computer, but my heart was still torn as I lie on my bed after wishing (quite loudly, I might add) that I could just be “single again” and have all the time to myself. (Jesus, forgive me!)
I heard the scripture in my heart,”
[Elaine], [Elaine], you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and [you need to chose] that good part, which will not be taken away from [you].
Then…the baby woke up again.
Jeez! Does it ever end?
Over the past weeks, this “challenge” has got me wondering what I need to do to make my life sustainable — to include taking care of my family, eating right/exercising, having “down time” AND writing/blogging.
I love the idea of being “the perfect wife” and “the perfect mom”, but I after spending many years sacrificing my desire to write in order to attain this perfection…I feel empty. Maybe some of you will judge me for feeling that way, but I bet more of you will raise your hand and say “Amen!”
I recently overheard a friend and blogger say, “Some people are fine with being a wife and mom, but there is something inside me that drives me to do something more.”
For me, that’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve tried to push my own desires down — waaaayyy down — all in the name of “being Godly”. And it keeps bubbling up.
It’s like when the prophet Jeremiah said:
But if I say I’ll never mention the LORD or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!
Being “just a mom and wife” is fine. Wonderful! In fact, I wish I could be “that woman.” It would make my life so much easier. But I’m not. And finally, after ten years of wishful thinking that I will one day become her…I finally can say that I’m starting (just barely) to be okay with that.
As I read Matthew 5, I have come to realize that the only way — despite all good intention, all scheduling, all perfect mommydom/wifedom — to live a sustainable life is through Christ.
This morning, as the scripture about Mary and Martha ran through my head, God was telling me that HE is the only thing that sustains me. Time with him.
If you are struggling, in any area of your blogging life — know you are NOT alone — go to Jesus. Always.
This is the heart of the beatitudes.
The Beatitudes of Blogging
Blessed are the poor in spirit who blog about their mistakes,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn because they couldn’t blog when they wanted to blog,
For they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek who don’t blog in order to show-off,
For they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness and spend time getting to know what God wants before they blog,
For they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful bloggers who don’t snap when their children interrupt their blogging,
For they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart who blog without marketing in mind,
For they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers that blog love in response to hate,
For they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake when your blog upholds righteousness,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake when you blog about something I’ve called you to say and get hate-filled comments. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
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