I’m writing this post from a broken (albeit somewhat angry) place. I usually wait when I have something to say but I’m angry before I blog about it…but I’m feeling my honesty vibe today. So, bear with me.

After a rough couple days, I’m emotionally drained. I don’t know if it was the trip to my children’s “No Nonsense” allergist or the constant worry that we’ll overdraft this month…or just being 5 months pregnant with baby #6, but whatever it is I’m D-O-N-E.

I had a few spare moments to do the Bible study I SHOULD have done before the doctor’s appointment…the one I missed, despite the fact I woke up before my alarm clock with that “God” feeling pressing on me, because I was too damned lazy…YES, I JUST CUSSED!!!

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1) I’m a Jesus-loving Christian and I cuss.

I hate that I cuss. I want to stop…but I guess I don’t want it that bad, because I still do it. I know many Christians that totally think cursing is fine. That’s not me. I hate it and I hate it all the more when I do it in front of my children.


2) I’m my children’s example of Christ and I cuss in front of my children.

Seriously, where is that Holy Spirit that slayed Ananias and Saphris? I need some fear of God in me. It’s sorely lacking.

So, that leads me back to my quiet time…the one I had five hours too late. I sit down and begin telling God how frustrated I am. I lay out how disappointed I am in myself for being “the source” of my own frustration. If I’d ONLY done my quiet time this morning, maybe I would have the grace to deal with all this mounting pressure!

I opened up my Bible after journaling and snotting all over my paper. I just needed a good word to give me hope or encouragement…and what I got was:

Praise the Lord! Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heaven!
Praise him for his mighty works;
praise his unequaled greatness!
Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn;
praise him with the lyre and harp!
Praise him with the tambourine and dancing;
praise him with strings and flutes!
Praise him with a clash of cymbals;
praise him with loud clanging cymbals.
Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!
Praise the Lord! Psalm 150:1-6

Okay, I’ve read most of Power in Praise by Merlin Carothers…and I get it, we are supposed to praise God for the good things and the bad. We aren’t supposed to complain. I know, okay!?

But at that moment, it just…rubbed me the wrong way. So, I tore some pages out of my favorite Bible. It was a desperate act…contemptible even.

(Sidenote: I believe the Bible is the inerrant Word of God…I just had a “bad” moment, k?)


3) I tore precious pages out of my favorite Bible. I tore the WORD OF GOD. Jesus is the Word…I TORE JESUS!!!

God help me, I’m such a heathen. People all over the world would literally DIE for a Bible and I, in anger, flippantly rip pages out in anger.

Okay, if you thought I was being dramatic about the slaying power of the Holy Spirit for cussing, you totally can see I deserve it now, right?

I’m sure I could list reasons I should go to Heaven. But the truth is that I could list 1,000,000 reasons I should go to Heaven…and they would never undo the sins I’ve committed. Never undo the sins I WILL CONTINUE to commit. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Once we’ve sinned…that’s it, we are unfit for Heaven. God is holy…and we have failed to be holy.

three choices you have when you’ve been a bad christian:

  1. Ignore/justify that we have done wrong and hope that we can still earn our way into Heaven by balancing out our “bad works” with “good works.”
  2. Assume there is another way – making it up as we go based on our feelings.
  3. OR Come to terms with our sinful nature and accept Jesus’  forgiveness through his death on the cross.

While I believe accepting Christ is a one-time decision that secures salvation if done by the power of the Holy Spirit, I believe that we have to continually rest on CHOICE #3.

Today, I must rest that I am a sinner…saved by grace alone.

Obviously, I repent of my sinful actions…and pray to never repeat them. (Like I said: it is my favorite Bible). But even if I do…again and again. Jesus is there to forgive seventy times seven. Let’s just hope it’s just the seven part and NOT the seventy part.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! Matthew 18:21-22

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