Can a married woman have male friends? While there is no hard and fast rule, here is a challenge to married women to reconsider having close male friends.
Faith,  Featured,  Staying Married

5 Reasons Why Married Women Should Rethink Male Friends

Many times my husband and I sit at dinner with another married couple.

My husband and I engaged in conversations with the both of them throughout the evening. On occasion, my friend must excuse herself to attend to some matter. And even rarer occasion, my husband needs to do something at the same time, leaving me in the presence of a friend’s husband.

Most times, the conversation continues without a hiccup and my husband or friend will return within minutes and reignite their contribution to the gathering.

If we are left alone for more than a few minutes, in those moments I will make an excuse to leave the vicinity. I believe removing yourself from an elongated one-on-one conversation with a man is a wise move for all married women.

Sure, married women can have male friends, but is it the best choice for the long-term health of your marriage?

While there is no hard and fast rule, I would challenge married women to reconsider having close male friends.

5 Reasons Why Married Women Should Rethink Male Friends

1. Lengthy Communication that Happens in Friendship Develops Heart Ties That Are Difficult to Undo

When I meet a new girlfriend that I like, I want to know everything about her. I want to hear her life story. I want to know why she believes what she believes. I want to hear about her struggles and successes.

It’s no different when I meet a man that I think is cool. I want to know it all.



The problem with knowing everything about the someone of another gender is that you start to develop a bond.

This is (usually) a healthy thing among two females, but between two people of the opposite sex it can quickly turn into an unhealthy attachment.

Once that connection is made, it’s hard to make a clean disconnect — especially if his wife is your friend.

2. You Don’t Know What He is Thinking or Going Through

Sometimes women don’t have a clue the power we possess over men.

We talk our normal happy, girly talk and don’t realize that our natural chattiness can be taken as a sign that we are interested in something more.

Even to a married man. Even to a happily married man.

Also, we might not know exactly what a man is going through.

  • Is his marriage on the rocks?
  • Does he feel unattractive?
  • Has his boss been criticizing him at work?

There are a million things that can magnetize a man’s heart to a woman’s attentiveness, We want to protect not only our own heart but the hearts of others (male and female alike).

Obviously, women aren’t responsible for how a man thinks about her, but we should be sensitive to our level of friendliness and the amount of time we spend chatting with another man.

3. It only takes one moment or lingering look

As a new employee, I attended a company Christmas party with my husband. I had only been working there a month so I wanted to take the chance to get to know everyone, male and female, over dinner and drinks.

I made my rounds over appetizers and when dinner was served, we all took our seats. We had a happy conversation with another male member of my creative team.



As we started to say our goodbyes and leave, I waved to my male co-worker and I noticed his lingering look.

It was only a second, but in that second something happened in my heart. 

By God’s grace, nothing happened and I quit 10 months later because of my growing attraction to the male friend I worked side by side with each day.

During this time my marriage was in tip-top shape (as it could be). I can’t even imagine what the outcome could have been if we’d been struggling!

Working with male presents a special set of problems because married women are expected to interact with everyone, no matter their gender.

It’s easy to become friends with someone at work. You spend long hours together and there is something genuinely exciting about completing a project as a team. But beware of your heart when interacting more than necessary with your male co-workers.

You don’t have to be initially attracted to a man to fall into this temptation. It can happen over a friendly banter when he picks up his kids from a playdate or a shared common interest that you didn’t realize you had. Just one connection can cause your/his heartstrings to flutter.

4. Friendships Do Not Have the Struggles that a Marriage Does

When is the last time your best friend asked you to balance your checkbook or take out the trash?

Probably never, which is exactly the point.

When two people are just friends, there isn’t usually all the daily grind that happens like there is in a marriage.

When you go to your friend’s house and you start to clean up the toys your kid’s got out, many times she’ll tell you ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. My kids made most of that mess anyhow.’

But our husbands are a different story.

We ask for help around the house, help picking up toys, taking out the trash.

We get in nit-picky fits about the $6.89 he spent at Chick-Fil-A when you ate the kid’s leftover food to save money before payday.

When you choose to be close friends with a man, you don’t experience those dilemmas. It’s easy to start enjoying their company because the relationship is all fun and games. No bills to discuss. No big family decisions to make. Just good conversation.

This can become a HUGE source of dissatisfaction with your own husband.

5. Our Sinful Nature & Our Enemy

One of the biggest mistakes that everyone makes is saying ‘I’ll never do that!”

Somehow as soon as we utter the words ‘I’ll never…” – our flesh rises up and says, ‘Ha, ha! We’ll see about that!’

Our sinful nature causes us to want what we shouldn’t want.

Paul says it best when he states that ‘I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15)

As Christians, we should NEVER underestimate the power of our sinful nature. We are free in Christ to have male friends to be sure, but don’t be fooled to think you are above cheating on your spouse.

We should also remember that we have an enemy that is seeking to destroy everything good in our lives. Marriage is a symbol that the Bible calls a mystery because it represents the Christ and his bride (the church). I can’t even imagine how much Satan hates the marriage relationship because of that reason.

Does this mean we shouldn’t interact with men at all?

NO! That would be ludicrous.

Talking to a man isn’t evil, but it should be an area that we are constantly aware of. We shouldn’t let our guard down with a man other than our husbands (and a select few others, like brothers and fathers). Not only for our sake but for theirs too.

There is no hard and fast rule for how much communication with another man is too much. That’s something you’ll have to figure out on your own with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Marriage is such a sacred thing. With the divorce rate being so high, I hope that women everywhere would take the necessary steps to keep their marriages healthy and free from the distractions that could be caused by a close male friendship.

What Should I Do If I Already Have Close Male Friends?

This is a tricky one. Personally, I decided early on in my marriage to cut all male friendships out of the picture so I don’t have too much experience in this area, but I do have one story I can share.

A longtime friend of mine was in town for a short period of time. I was newly married and he asked if he could see me. I didn’t know what to say because I knew that we’d previously had so many heart-to-hearts throughout our teenage years. I didn’t want that to continue and I knew it would be difficult for me to keep me from connecting on a heart-level. So I told him that I would meet with him if I could bring my husband and daughter along.

He wasn’t as interested.

Keeping your husband in the mix could be an option to water-down relationships with long-time male friends.

Another way is to just be honest with them. Tell your male friend that he is valuable to you, but that you value your relationship with your husband more. If he is a true friend, he’ll respect that (even if he doesn’t agree).

What if My Heart is Already Entangled with a Man that isn’t My Husband?

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard on marital infidelity (or the potential for it) is confession to the only one that can do anything about it: your spouse.

Depending on the severity of your emotional affair, this might be harder or easier, but it is a necessary step.

Confession brings healing…even if it brings brokenness first.

I’ve used this method anytime I feel a strange tug on my heart for someone that isn’t my husband (even when I’m super careful). I’m blessed to be married to a man that understands that my attraction to someone other than him isn’t about our marriage, it’s just part of our fallen nature. He trusts and knows that I will do everything in my power to curtail those feelings.

I recommend the book Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge if you find yourself in the middle of this situation. It was marriage-saving when I went through my problems at the company I mentioned above.

Last Thoughts…

I hope you hear my heart on this matter about close male friendships. It’s not about keeping yourself away from men or not ever talking to a man for an extended period of time if it’s necessary. It’s not about any weird rules that cause you to act unnatural in front of males. It’s about keeping your heart for your husband. I believe this is a noteworthy goal and I want to encourage women in it.

Can a married woman have male friends? While there is no hard and fast rule, here is a challenge to married women to reconsider having close male friends.


  • cheryl

    thank you! I’ve been struggling for some time now. Please pray for me as I resolve and commit this matter to God and confess to my husband


      Yes, it’s possible…but you should cut off any relationship that’s not with your husband because that’s where your duty lies. No matter your feelings. Feelings are only fanned by thoughts and time spent together. Take your efforts and focus them solely on your husband.

  • Dorcas

    Thank you so much for this piece. My hubby is in the military, so I get to spend months alone with the kids and most times spent with business colleagues..I met this cute guy…and before I knew it…it had a spark…I know I had made my mind never to cheat on my husband…but the rate it went, I was some few contacts away from doing so….admits the butterfly feelings I decided to look up online if it’s just right I keep a male friend? And thankfully I saw this article. The feeling is squashed, am back to normal..thank you Jesus…. Thank you again for saving my marriage…God bless you more


      You don’t even know how happy I am that my blog post helped. It’s a REAL issue and sooooooo hard to overcome once it’s started. Praise the Lord. Stay strong. Flirt with your hubby online while he’s away. I’m sure he’s facing similar issues and needs your loving touch!

  • Christine Lefler

    Ok, I get it. Objectifying women or men for that matter is positive in this situation. Obviously men and women should only think lustfully about one another and not act as appropriate adults. This leads to abuse also. I don’t see the opposite sex as only an outlet for lust so obviously I wouldn’t agree with treating this as a sensible thing to do, ignoring people we secretly want to have sexual or emoti No relationships with, and of course would never trust someone that acts as such. People do not need to be treated as if they have to have sex with all opposite sex friends or that no one has ever turned gay or lesbian. Trust is not necessary just a desire to be a truly healthy Christian and proper adult that always puts these terrible negative lustful feeling out of their minds instead of what’s important.


    Well, if you consider 35 old (when I wrote this). Sure, I’m old.
    Life has taught me this and it continues to be confirmed to me.
    Self-love is the cornerstone of this article…I LOVE myself enough to remove myself from relationships with men.
    I think that being successful in marriage is more important than holding onto a male friend. Sure, there are people that can hold both without jeopardizing either…but I think that our divorce rate begs to be reckoned with and the risk isn’t worth the benefits of a male friendship.
    You use the word “misogynistic” meaning “prejudiced against women” specifically referring to the “hatred of women.” I believe you are in error, my post is anything BUT hatred of women, it’s written in order to protect them from what I have experienced. I strongly believe in the free will of a woman to choose to be careful of her ways. Our current society wants to believe that everyone can do everything they want to without harm. Paul said that EVERYTHING is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. This is the heart of this blog. Male friendships once you are a married woman are not beneficial enough to continue in them.

  • Katie

    This article disappointed me, in many ways. It begins with a great topic, but ends on deeply ingrained misogyny. The experiences are out dated and fail to take into account self love. Instead, it takes into account others perceptions and their own inability to trust other human beings (mainly because they realize they are themselves untrustworthy, as demonstrated by their work story). I would highly encourage the author to revisit the topic with a less misogynistic viewpoint, and purely from a religious standpoint. It is obvious they are much older or believe in ‘classic’ viewpoints on the female responsibility in relationships.

  • Kimpton Zome

    Please this is something we should learn it keeps our relationship, so if I can be included when sending your emails.

  • Kimpton Zome

    My comment to this, I liked it and also I have learnt a lot, would like to learn more to safeguard my marriage.

  • Diana

    There is a tendency for a woman(since I am woman can speak on my behalf only) to have a wandering eye if we are not careful.

    Soul ties can be very strong if it is tied to an opposite sex who is not our husband.
    Prevention is the best cure, but if we did fall in sin fleeing is the next best cure.

  • John

    Valid reasons though I feel they are controlling to a certain degree if used by a partner.
    I’ll straight off say, perhaps it is the Western culture which has gotten very loose with sexuality. People are hooked onto their TV series. Every series has some sort of sex being sold in it that such articles are written to address the sexual psyche in the West today.
    Porn is so readily available not to mention. These sexual sins just gets permeated around the population and the temptation arises when things go bad in relationships.

    So…I’m against pointing out obvious things not to do in a relationship but common sense isn’t so common. Perhaps it’s the underlying culture that’s the issue, not this article on women having to restrict themselves to socialise with other males.

  • Carol F.

    Love the article and the Radical Christian Woman approach. This is an especially hard subject for me as I am current in the eye of the storm as the result of my husband befriending an old female co-worker in an attempt to help her with her 3rd marriage. Of course he did not let me in on it.

  • Donald Erickson

    Please email my girlfriend on this, this is exactly what she is doing now, and it’s hurting our relationship. Please


      I’m so sorry. Please understand that women have been raised in a culture to believe they can do everything (which of course, they can do all things but not all things are beneficial). She’s been brainwashed by our overly liberal Christian culture that allows immodesty and impropriety. I’m sure she is a wonderful woman and doesn’t realize the true intent of many men (which is waiting for the next “in” when the boyfriend/husband isn’t doing a “good enough” job for him to “save the day”.) If the relationship has been around before you, you have to be patient – unless you’ve expressed intent to marry, she’s not necessarily going to just give him up. I would gently bring up your feelings (not what is right/wrong) – women respond better to “how things make you feel”. If you find she refuses to change, this is a warning to you. Whoever she is as a girlfriend…she will be as a wife. Obviously, the Lord can change her over time but you have to be willing to take that risk. If you confident that she’s as “in love” with you as you are with her, then she should respond in kind, but if not, I would worry that she’s “not into you enough” to let go of her other man-friend. Obviously, I know nothing of your actual relationship, so this is all based on theory and not reality.

  • Amy

    I agree in guarding your heart and that’s something every married person should do.

    One of the things that’s tricky about this for me is the fact that my line of work is male-dominated, and a handful of hobbies are also male-dominated. I’m like debates and discussions about topics I can’t seem to find other Christian women to talk about– economic issues, philosophy, theology, traditional life, etc. For some reason, only guys seem to enjoy these discussions and I think it’s a loss for women to not talk about these things on a critical and intellectual level with each other because we need to! Anyway, I noticed women are expected to be warm and approachable and if you aren’t, it creates a negativity even though you are married and trying to enforce boundaries.

    I do have male friends, two of them are in committed relationships and one is single. Other than those 3, I don’t make it a goal to become friends with men. However, it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty or like a mean person when a guy asks if we can hang out (and they ask to invite my husband) and I tell them no.


      It’s discouraging when you want to talk about something and it feels like no one else of the same gender wants to! They are out there, but I agree, not many Christian women are super excited about those topics (or we are and are hiding it or too busy or something). I will pray that the Lord guides someone your way. Trying to “fix” the situation ourselves without the help of the Holy Spirit is a fruitless endeavor that only glorifies ourselves if we are successful. I pray your spirit discerns when a woman in your life would be a good fit for these topics. Trying to navigate a male-dominated workforce does make it even more tricky! You’ll find your way in navigating these waters, it sounds like you are pretty level-headed.

  • David Crossfield

    Again, I don’t know how I happened upon your blog here. It is interesting. You wrote that you want to know everything about a woman friend when you meet her. This IS 2017 and there is a homosexual spirit that seems to be running rampant throughout the world. Those spirits are extremely powerful. Same sex attraction can be just as damaging to a marriage as opposite sex attraction. Sometimes I visit a church where the pastor ( during meet-and-greet times) will say for men to hug men and women to hug women and I think of this. There are a lot of closeted people in society and this plays right into their fantasies. One must be diligently aware of this at all times. I once heard a man whose wife was having a lesbian affair say,”There is something that a woman can only get from another woman.” Keep your eyes upon Jesus and always be aware.

  • Ala

    Hi. My wife takes tennis lessons from a guy at the club. He is a good guy and I know him and he knows me. I can tell there is a good friendship building between both of them. She is very faithful and treaches theology of the body so I know her intentions are good.
    I was concerened of the relationship initially because I didn’t know him and some insecurities I had due to our relationship not being as healthy as it should. Over the last months I have come to accept their friendship. They don’t see each other other than the courts or a tennis social and I’m a round. She knows that I have been insecure and a bit jealous. I made the mistake of checking texts and well I just wish she showed that kindness towards me. My fault she hasn’t as I didn’t show her the affection she needed in past years.

    This friend had a bday last Friday and we both went to a tennis social and he was there. I found out she gave him a bday card but she didn’t ask me to sign it. I feel kind of bothered. Not sure what to do.

    • Elaine Mingus

      Despite your desire to “be okay” with it, it sounds like you know something is off. I know we all want to be laid back and non-judgemental about our spouse’s choices but it’s important that we trust each other enough to 1) show concern if they are in a problematic situation and 2) take advice from our spouse if they show concern. I sounds like that she is either a) in an emotional affair that she realizes her attraction or trying to ignore it b) Or truly in a platonic relationship, which I personally believe to be next to impossible. We are sinful creatures by nature. Sinful things, like adultery, will seem exciting and desirable to our flesh.

      At this point, you have to win her affection back. You are the husband so you have God on your side because He HATES divorce and will help you in your endeavors. If you feel like she’d be understanding if you said something, then do so by bringing up your feelings about the card. I recommend doing the 40-Love Dare challenge (Buy it on Amazon Here as a secret way to earn her trust and affection. You are right to assume that she’s reaching out because of lack of affection. People are like plants, they will twist and turn, even if it’s not healthy for the plant, to get to the sunlight. I hope your marriage flourishes and you find a solution.

  • Carol

    I started chatting with someone on facebook on theological matters. We live in different continents and I don’t think we’ll ever meet. Eventhough my marriage is doing really well, I have started to have feelings to that Facebook friend. We hardly speak on personal subjects, mostly theological matters. But we share so much in common in the way we think. I think about him a lot and my heart jumps when I see a message from him. My husband and I are so different, we have nothing in common except that we love each other.
    I can’t stop myself from chatting with him, I find so much joy in doing that but i ferl terribly guilty.

    • Elaine Mingus

      I really believe you should end this online affair, because that is what it is…an affair of the heart. You should confess to your husband and seek out the reason WHY you are enjoying this relationship. What is your marriage lacking? If nothing, is it just the newness that is exciting? Marriage can get boring and new people ARE exciting, but eventually this newness wears off. Then you are left with what you had before PLUS heartache. Your marriage CAN be exciting again. Just like scripture warns us in Revelations of the church’s susceptibility to “leaving our first love” we must also be warned to “return to our first love, by doing what we did in the beginning.” Online chatting doesn’t have all the stuff that drags us down (bills, responsibility, kids) and has all the fun stuff…so of course you like this relationship, who wouldn’t like a carefree relationship with no worries? Seek out things you and your husband can do to restore the passion and FUN! If you are “so different” then remember the things/reasons you married. They are still there. God IS a miracle worker, he can put FLESH on dry bones! Be encouraged that the Lord has something GREAT in store for you if you sacrifice this thing, you cannot know what it is until you give this relationship up. 🙂 Prayers for you.

  • Yadir

    I love your article. I struggle on the beginning of my marriage with my wife with this subject. I told her that we shouldn’t have any close friends with any one of the opposite sex. After she had her affair with a friend she finally gave in. Once again your article is on point.

  • Carrie D

    While I respect everyone’s opinion I have to say in my experience I would disagree. My best childhood friends were guys that I keep in touch with as an adult and I have several close male friends that I met after childhood. I am recently married but I addressed this issue when we were first dating and reached an understanding that works for both of us. We both come from different backgrounds and Ive always said we may have to do things differently than people around us to make our relationship work.

  • Kisha

    I recently connected with someone from high school with whom I dated but it was never physical. He looked me up on social media. He said he just wanted to know I was doing well. But my page said it all. Married with children from all my photos. He is also married with kids and lives in Egypt and I am in the states. Well we spoke via texting for a few days just about life and our families and finally spoke about our failed relationship. We dated for about 9 months and when I was finally thinking about taking it to the next level he cheated and got a disease. He was honest about it right away and naturally I ended it. The girl also went to our school whom I barely knew up until the day after we broke up. So we talked and I thanked him for being honest and informed him that if what happened wasn’t so public I would have given him a second chance. I told him I loved him for being the most honest man I had ever met in my life. He told me I should not have said that because I am married. He thought that what I said meant my marriage wasn’t good and that he had a chance with me. I told him not in a million years because I value my family and covenant I have with my husband and God. I also said that I would never hurt innocent people ( our families) and that I believe in karma. Was I wrong for saying I loved him? I told him We would only text on holidays from now on just to say hello and catch up on life. We both agreed. He said he enjoyed speaking and flirting with me through texting and that he is happy that I am well.
    Thank you


    • Elaine Mingus

      Play out this scenario in your head. You walk into the bedroom and mention all that you wrote here to your husband. What do you think HIS reaction would be to this conversation. This should tell you all you need to know about whether your actions were right/wrong. If you wouldn’t tell your husband, whom you value and made a covenant with, you can know right away that something is amiss. What about the other man’s wife, would you feel comfortable talking to her about this conversation. In the end, all thing that were done in darkness will be brought to light. Nothing will be hidden. How will you feel about your actions then?

      I personally would cut off all contact. I think you are playing with fire. What happens on the day/month/year your marriage IS rocky or the other man’s marriage is failing? What if he/you were to speak then? Would you be so strong? Is it worth the risk?

      Look deeper into your marriage? Is there something missing? Why are you finding this relationship tempting at this time in your marriage?

      Above all, pray and seek the Lord for help.

      The problem is also, not just your heart…but his.

      I’ve never seen a situation where a man/woman who weren’t married to each other but texted/talked turn out well or stay platonic…even if only in their hearts.

      I hope you find the answers you are looking for, even if it means sacrificing the short-term for the long-term goals.

  • Charlie

    This is exactly the kind of article my wife would close her eyes to. She is a life long Christian who is a “pastor’s kid. ” However, she says I’m “stalking” her if I ask questions about her male friends, she’s blocked me from her social media accounts, and kicked me off our shared cell phone account, yet says she’s not hiding anything. BTW, her phone is never alone and she spends a half hour or more in the bathroom about 5 times a day our kids say she’s in there texting. I’ve asked her to end her “friendship” with one particular man, and she says I’m “oppressive” and “dictating ” whom she can be friends with. I’ve threatened to leave over the matter but she insists on keeping the one male “friendship.” What’s a man to do?

    • Elaine Mingus

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, the only person you can change is you. She obviously isn’t going to change with your current method (which is understandable, as her actions seems suspect), so you need to change your approach. The book I read (which I VERY STRONGLY advise you NOT to tell your wife about as it will just REALLY piss her off) has a version for husbands called “Created to NEED a Helpmeet.” ( I’m not saying that it will solve your problems, but I know how much the wife version helped me know what a wife is called to be. I think if YOU change, she’ll be forced to change or leave.
      Listen to her when she says your are “oppressive and dictating”…and work hard to do the opposite, hold your tongue and don’t be so demanding (whether you are or not I cannot say). If you don’t know how you are being demanding, ask her. Tell her you respect her and want to know how you can be a better husband.
      The only thing you can do to save your marriage is to be the best husband you know how to be (and that probably means reading A LOT of books on how YOU can change and less articles about what SHE should do…because that’s just going to piss you off that she’s not being a “good wife” and then make you put more demands/pressure on her. 🙂
      I hope that helps. Know I say this all in absolute grace to you because I want your marriage to succeed and I honestly understand that I don’t know anything about your marriage so I write all this with a grain of salt!

  • Robert

    This posting is excellent! So true but yet not understood by many. It it too easy to cross the line and I have watched folks fall into the same trap over and over. These innocent conversations (friendships by definitions) eventually connect with the emotions and then the line begins to change. Until you been on the hurting side of these relationships, you will never understand.

  • Rocio

    Elaine, you’re so right! Some people are convinced that friendship between a male and a female is possible and no way I think that could ever happen. I mean, one may develop feelings, sooner or later, and that isn’t wrong, it’s part of human nature. It’s up to us to know that, and have the strength enough to avoid those situation that aren’t fair for any of us, nor hubbies, nor friends, nor us. I’m only 25 years old and not married yet; I talked about this with a friend of mine and called me “old fashioned”, which made me sad to be honest, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Thanks for this post! xx

    • Elaine Mingus

      This post is by far my most “visited” post. That in itself says sooo much. It’s a very unspoken about issue (esp in the church). You will thrive because of your wisdom. And your friend might change their tune once they are married (or have a few more years of marriage under their belt!)

  • Hannah

    I found everything in your article to be so true. A woman must guard her heart, her thoughts, and then everything comes after that. I learned this with a very similar experience with a co-worker. I didnt talk to him more directly before because I had started 3 months in the job. I had the same thing, I am friendly and go for deep conversations with anybody and everybody. But I got married, and I found myself feeling so uncomfortable and disgusted even at my own vulnerability, about making the co-worker, unintentionally, have a crush on me. I didnt pull my trigger as soon as I realized him at it because I was afraid to lose my job or how that’d affect everyone liking me (new job and just married at the same time). My marriage was bumpy as most are with fights we ha never had before, so I caught myself even enjoying the company of co-workers in a subconsciously and silently supporting me way. Not good (bad heart, bad heart! lol). Even as a happy marriage (which my hubby and I have!), it’s meant to grow more in love (lifelong journey) and that means everything-rough patches, learning patches, and total joy patches. I was so anxious and distressed at my own nature (friendly, chatty, vulnerable, and deep bonds with others), but I learned to build walls and boundaries. I pulled the gun of honesty after months after the dude wasn’t taking in other subtle clues, which made me think he was even more confused (perhaps talking about my husband all the time made him think I was OK and sought friendship or an affair with him). Finally said not to have any expectations, that our sometimes non-work related comments had to stop even when mild (not enough to be anything close to an emotional affair either in my heart or by standards)…basically, Im not interested in friendship or anything else other than business. I have analyzed the situation so much, sometimes so much anxiety and I realized so much about myself. Some of those things were learning I lacked the virtue of prudence more than any other (temperance, justice, and fortitude) and this article ( really helped me judge the situation adequately and I didnt feel condemned for seeing friendship as something good, yet guided me to the truth that marriage is a higher good and the use of prudence demands it’s sacrificed if it’s a threat anyhow or source of discomfort to the good of marriage. Marriage is meant to be a life-long school of love not a friendship. Im glad I pulled my honesty gun, cut a developing friendship when I clearly knew the other person had a hidden crush on me. The future will tell how things go, as I want to keep my job (best one Ive ever had), but I am ready to quit it if things don’t go so well with the individual (there is no distancing on his end, or I find myself being tempted into being friendly and caring with him again as I am with the ladies). I will need to pray for more prudence, fortitude, temperance, justice, faith, hope, patience, and above all love in my marriage that I may never forget to build walls. The heart truly is “wicked”.

    • Elaine Mingus

      You are so right to put your marriage first and be willing to sacrifice things for it. It’s hard even after nearly 15 years of marriage to not be reeled in by a wistful side glance. It makes us feel desirable, but feelings aren’t the truth so many times!

  • Sheri Yutzy

    Thank you for this article! I’ve been thinking about this recently, and it was good to read such an unapologetic defense of the marriage relationship. As nice as male friends can be, they aren’t the one I chose to live with, to love forever. I don’t see every side of them, just like I didn’t see every side of my husband before we married.

    • Elaine Mingus

      This is one of my most popular blog posts BY FAR. It’s amazing how this subject is almost completely ignored in the Christian community. Marriage is sacred. I’m glad that you treat it that way. Friendships (male or female) retain no covenant bond as a marriage does. Let’s all consider this when debating male-female friendships.

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